Wide awake, can't sleep, my mind is cluttered. As I sit on my bed, with my bedroom light dimmed smoking a bowl my thoughts flood my mind.
I sit here and wonder about my boyfriend. If he's okay. Why he's not talking to me. What's going on with him. How much I miss him.
I sit here and think about how I've let my fitness go and how I haven't been eating right at all. It's time to cleanse my system again. Diet and yoga along with weekly runs should snap me back into shape.
I sit here and wonder if I can handle college life. I was reading my text book tonight and realized that business is simply not my cup of tea. I'm trying, but it's not easy.
I sit here and wonder how long it will be till I can race my dirt bike again. How I miss my mud, my dirt, and my desert. I miss my hair flowing in the wind and the sounds of my dirt bike. I miss my bathing suit tops with my blue jeans and sunglasses. I miss the lifted trucks.
Now I sit in Phoenix living in apartment going to college full time and working. I barely see my boyfriend and my family and I are distant. I don't race anymore because I put my life on pause for everything an everyone. I don't model, I have shoots lined up but I never go to them anymore. I don't sing anymore because it seems pointless. I don't teach dance anymore because I see no point in that either.
I feel like I have given everything up...and for what? To please everyone around me. Now I'm a quiet girl who hides in her room and doesn't seem a point in getting dressed. This is a problem. Even my boyfriends sees this very frightening chagne going on.
Instead of living my life, I'm watching it wither away. I want to model, race, teach, sing, and be happy. Time for a change.
Today I change for the better. I will not give up on myself again.
Laci.
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